"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."
~ Beverly Sills
The unrealistic glow of the halogen lights seem to practically fill every inch of these hallways. It is deathly quiet, and everything is sterile, as if someone might be rushed in at any minute to bear children on the very floor. In every direction, the walls are an ugly eggshell white, which isn't really white, but more like a faded yellow; the kind of color that pristine white walls turn when you bring in a room full of cigar smoking card sharks.
There is a young man sitting in front of a computer screen and before him, the monitor glares like would-be fire; no more mystique than a cardboard box. As he considers what is taking place around him, he looks over at the pile of company he keeps: a cell phone, a bottle of Grape Crush and a book on vampires that is crowned with the empty wrapper of a cheese danish. It dawns on him as he looks around that vampirism has become cliched, and as this thought enters his head, he grins.
The dingy faded blue chair scrapes the floor under him as he shifts his weight, the wheels no longer apt enough to provide the convenience of movement that they once possessed. As with all things that age, the chair is but a shadow of it's former self; sunken, stained and probably not long for this world. Coupled with mismatched browns of the two tables above it and the contrast of the shiny new computer towers and their ancient monitors, this part of the hallway looks more like a museum setup than anything that should actually be functioning. Again, thoughts come into his mind, this time of a caption for this picture: The Downfall of Modern Man, or Why Education Costs So Much. The thought amuses him.
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ReplyDeleteSorry--couple of bad typos. Let's try again.
ReplyDeleteI like very much the vignette feel to this (vignettes are coming soon.) But your desire to give us a visual buzz makes this confection a bit too sweet.
Here's a random section trimmed back:
The faded blue chair scrapes the floor as he shifts his weight, the wheels no longer able to move. The chair is a shadow of it's former self; sunken, stained and probably not long for this world. Coupled with mismatched browns of the two tables and the contrast of the shiny new computer towers and their ancient monitors, this part of the hallway looks more like a museum setup than anything that should actually be functioning.
What's your reaction to that sort of close haircut?
Well, shit. I had written out something really honest here, but then I went and clicked the "reply" button instead of the "publish" button. I guess I'll try this again, then....
ReplyDeleteMy reaction to this is a mixed bag. While there is absolutely nothing (and I sincerely mean that) wrong with the edit, it just doesn't flow right with me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not used to having my work edited, or if I'm just so used to my own bullshit, but something seems missing....which is odd. After all, you said everything that I said, but did so in a far less verbose manner. That being said, I'm probably just suffering from phantom limb syndrome. If I can train myself how to write in a more refined or structured manner, I'm sure that after a while, I won't even realize that things had ever been any other way. In short, I see what you did there. And it totally works. It's just a matter of ME learning how to do that/think like that.
The trick is not to simply cut words and make the lines cleaner and starker--that leads to precision but soulless prose. The trick is to keep your own voice but write in a way that doesn't put a heavier load on a reader than they should be expected to carry. You have to strive to write clean but still sound like Biddix.
ReplyDeleteFor my amusement (I love to edit the way some people like sudoku or crosswords), I have taken my edited version above and reduced it below to precise but dead and soulless prose, almost all of the Biddix gone. This is NOT what I want!
The chair scrapes, wheels no longer able to move. It's a shadow now: sunken, stained and not long for this world. Coupled with the mismatched browns of the tables, contrasted with the new computer towers and their ancient monitors, this hallway looks like a museum.
That is pretty bad. I see what you mean though. I need to try to focus on what it is that I'm saying, but without committing EVERY thought that passes through my head onto the paper...and if I do, then I need to rework it so all that pleases ME is still there, but without all of the jibber-jabber that goes with it.
ReplyDeleteI think I can do that. I'm almost done with the first of my character prompts, so you'll have to let me know if I have succeeded (in this specific regard).